Tonight, my heart feels heavy and my heart breaks for several of my friends who are going through grief. The closest thing to describing this grief is that it feels like someone took your heart out of your body, threw it on the ground, and watched it shatter in a million little pieces. Now all you have left is a body without a heart. You feel dead inside.
This is what it feels like to say good bye to someone you love more than life itself.
You grasp for air over and over, but you feel like you are suffocating. You get irritated at the tears, and how hard they make it for you to breathe. Why don’t they just stop? It feels like someone turned on a faucet, and the harder you try to stop them, the more they keep flowing. You wish that death would have taken you too, because this is a pain that swallows you.
Oh the Gut-wrenching cries to God! Begging for a miracle as you sit and watch your loved one slipping away. However, you begin to realize that the miracle you begged God for is not going to take place this side of heaven. This is a pain that has no words.
You begin to surrender to God’s plan as you beg him with a breaking heart to welcome your loved one home. It hurts too much to sit and watch their body start to show signs of leaving. You know what’s coming, and your heart feels like it can’t keep going.
The separation. This is what almost kills you. After the funeral everyone leaves and life for most will go back to normal. For you, this is when the darkness takes over. It is a fight to stay in the light. You feel like you died too.
It is easier to stay away from people. It takes too much energy to try and put a smile on your face. You need the energy to just breath.
Church is hard. People mean well. You are so tired of feeling like you are on display for every one. Watching for signs of how you are handling the loss. The praise songs touch a part of your soul that opens the flood gate of tears, and you find it’s a fight to keep them in control. It is a losing battle. You almost panic as you feel yourself slowly losing it. What if you actually do snap and fall apart? This exhaustion is killing you and it’s an hourly battle to breathe.
There are moments where you question the goodness of God. You know truth, but in your pain, it’s hard to see it. How can this be for our good? If God is so loving, why did He allow this pain?
As I sit here writing this, the pain feels so raw and the tears are falling. I know this pain. I know every thing that my friends are going through, and will be going through. It breaks me. It breaks me for the pain that feels like it is suffocating you.
I’m holding on to this truth… My God is faithful and good! I know that He will tenderly hold them in His arms, and carry them just like He did me. He will never leave them in the darkness. He rescued me, and I know He will do the same for them. And this is what gives me peace and hope in the darkness.
As heavy as my heart feels, I can rest in Him and know that they will be ok. He will gather them in His arms, and like a mama comforts her child, He will do the same for them. It’s who He is. He is faithful.
Keep Shining,
Star
Leave a Reply